One of my best friends called me recently from Manila, looking for consolation. He was worried that many families in the Philippines and elsewhere are no longer ready to care for their elderly, including his own.
One of my best friends called me recently from Manila, looking for consolation. He was worried that many families in the Philippines and elsewhere are no longer ready to care for their elderly, including his own.
“Roberto,†he said, “remember my mother Elisa? She’s almost 93 now, and after recovering from bronchitis she has been in dire need for someone to assist her. My three brothers and I try to be there for her as much as possible, but they are getting tired.
“It’s hard to understand their attitude or accept the decisions they make for the good of our mother. Not consulted because she no longer seems to understand, my mother seems to accept everything only to keep peace in the family. What a mess! What you think about this? I know once you cared for your elderly till they died. How were you able to do it?â€
As Asians and as Filipinos, we naturally belong to extended families and consider our parents and siblings, as well as their families, as “part of the familyâ€. It’s sad to note, however, that the tradition of caring for the elderly in our own homes is slowly disappearing nowadays. In its wake, there’s been a mushrooming of hospices and nursing homes. It’s often the case that most of the remittances sent home by our overseas workers are used to pay for the care of their elderly relatives in hospices, as everyone seemed to be so busy in different ways.
But maybe we should stop and consider how our parents sacrificed their time and ambitions to care for us, and be there when we needed them. Today we live in a disposable society where only those who contribute economically and productively, including those with future potential like our children, are well cared-for. The elderly have been relegated to the margins of society. Maybe many have forgotten, or not yet discovered, what joy it is to be with elders, for they have an infinite well of wisdom and experiences. They have seen the good old days, when the world was not as crowded or as materialistic as it is now.
I believe that even Jesus Christ, before dying, did not take leave from his own mother without entrusting her to John. For the Christian faith, Jesus loved his mother so much as to make sure that she would be cared for properly. He had the world to think of and humanity to save, but still he made time for his mother.
I said to my friend: “Doing what you can for your mother and co-operating with your siblings is commendable. It is good that everyone in the family should take time out from their busy lives to look in on her. I would suggest that you consider well all the options.
“Perhaps you can be even more involved in the day-to-day life of your mother? Focusing only on what is best for her, why don’t all of you siblings get together and decide how to go about this together? This way, you could also see how each of you can fit into your mother’s day or week, for example. You can all collaborate with one another, compromising and sacrificing your time and resources.
“Your coming together as one family to take care of the one who nurtured and raised you all will again bring you closer to one another. Before you know it, you will be enjoying each other’s company so much!
“Those little acts of love will be most appreciated by someone who has lived a full life. Little things like brushing your mom’s hair because her hands are too shaky or reading the day’s headlines to her because her eyes are failing, or simply propping her up in bed, will not go unnoticed. What we see as a physically weak person on the outside is only a tiny aspect of her whole being.
“At the end of the day, what’s important is not what sacrifices you have made for her or what you think is best for her but did not do. All these things will pass, but what will remain forever in your memories and hearts will be the love that you gave, and received from, your mother.â€
Roberto A Samson is a Filipino-Italian working as development officer for Catholic Youth Care's Youth at Risk Programme for Dublin's north inner-city. He writes regularly for Metro Éireann
