So there I was, minding my own business in the staff room recently, pondering over my empty mug and plate and wrestling with the dawning realisation that indeed I had once again forgotten my lunch. Having a well-stocked staffroom with non-perishable goods is always a clever idea and so I was forced to reach for the old reliables – the Cup-A-Soups and the Jammy Dodgers. Then I remembered that I had left a bunch of bananas for myself in the fridge; I gleefully pranced over to the cabinet of wonder and gratefully relieved the wonderful yellow crop from the jaws of the top shelf.
Then the thought occurred to me as I settled back into my seat – is it possible to eat two bananas and pass it off in educated company as a perfectly reasonable snack? No sooner had I decided to give it a whirl when a female member of staff shrieked in horror at what lay before me and asked (politely) if indeed it was my intention to consume both bananas in quick succession. Why yes, I replied, I unfortunately woke up this morning unable to decipher my head from my backside and was not in a stable cognitive state to remember to bring my lunch with me to school. Hence, I continued, it is my declared intention to eat both of the aforementioned bananas for my lunch. But haven’t you heard, said she in horrified riposte, that if you eat 24 bananas in 24 hours – you’ll die! Well dear reader, you can image my reaction to this piece of news that sent my head spinning and my entire world crashing. And as Ms Banana Expert exited the room to supervise senior infants in the yard, I was left grasping for reasons as to why nobody in authority had ever bothered to inform me that eating two bananas in a day was a threat to my life. It then transpired that all of the staff members were aware of this information. I couldn’t take it anymore!
Of course, one trip to the computer room later and my worst fears were realised. According to one medical website: ‘It is possible to get too much potassium from bananas... [too much potassium] throws off the human electrolyte system, and can cause anything from mild gastrointestinal problems to kidney problems, to severe cardiac problems, cardiac arrest-death,’ Did you read that? Bananas mess up your ‘human electrolyte system’ and can lead to cardiac arrest or death! And I’m only learning this now?
Please excuse me if I appear to be a little over-anxious about the potential genocide that lurks in every supermarket, but I have a rather strange relationship with bananas in the workplace.
I once spent a year employed by a telesales company who essentially ripped your soul out of your body, danced on your self-esteem and gave you 5 euro an hour in return. One day a ‘work-mate’ of mine opened his carefully-packed lunchbox, sighed a deliberately audible sigh and turned to me with the offer of his banana. Not realising that I was taking my life in my hands with this potassium injection, I gratefully accepted as he wandered off in the general direction of the canteen. Before I had taken even a second bite of the forbidden fruit, he came dashing across the office in my direction, red-raced and drooling, bundling people out of his way. When he reached me I wasn’t quite sure what to expect but I knew that something exceptionally bizarre was about to take place. “Was there a message on that banana for me? ” he asked. Sure enough, written on the side of the banana was the message ‘Hi there gorgeous!’, apparently inscribed by his boyfriend who, by the way, had packed his lunch for him. Only now it transpires that his boyfriend was actually trying to kill him.
What concerns me is that gormless goobers like me are wandering aimlessly through this life not having the faintest clue of what dangers lie around every corner. When I think of all the food-eating competitions that I engaged in during my college years… what if we had chosen to have a banana-eating race instead of the traditional cream-cracker one? It makes me shudder to think of it. Either way, my banana guzzling days are at an end. Confined to the past along with red lemonade, fried bread and indeed white bread in general. Next they’ll be telling us that Easter eggs are not a recommended source of calcium!
Aodhán Ó Ríordáin is a primary school teacher in the Sheriff Street area of Dublin, a member of the Labour Party, and is currently Dublin’s Deputy Lord Mayor. His column appears every week in Metro Eireann
Of course, one trip to the computer room later and my worst fears were realised. According to one medical website: ‘It is possible to get too much potassium from bananas... [too much potassium] throws off the human electrolyte system, and can cause anything from mild gastrointestinal problems to kidney problems, to severe cardiac problems, cardiac arrest-death,’ Did you read that? Bananas mess up your ‘human electrolyte system’ and can lead to cardiac arrest or death! And I’m only learning this now?
Please excuse me if I appear to be a little over-anxious about the potential genocide that lurks in every supermarket, but I have a rather strange relationship with bananas in the workplace.
I once spent a year employed by a telesales company who essentially ripped your soul out of your body, danced on your self-esteem and gave you 5 euro an hour in return. One day a ‘work-mate’ of mine opened his carefully-packed lunchbox, sighed a deliberately audible sigh and turned to me with the offer of his banana. Not realising that I was taking my life in my hands with this potassium injection, I gratefully accepted as he wandered off in the general direction of the canteen. Before I had taken even a second bite of the forbidden fruit, he came dashing across the office in my direction, red-raced and drooling, bundling people out of his way. When he reached me I wasn’t quite sure what to expect but I knew that something exceptionally bizarre was about to take place. “Was there a message on that banana for me? ” he asked. Sure enough, written on the side of the banana was the message ‘Hi there gorgeous!’, apparently inscribed by his boyfriend who, by the way, had packed his lunch for him. Only now it transpires that his boyfriend was actually trying to kill him.
What concerns me is that gormless goobers like me are wandering aimlessly through this life not having the faintest clue of what dangers lie around every corner. When I think of all the food-eating competitions that I engaged in during my college years… what if we had chosen to have a banana-eating race instead of the traditional cream-cracker one? It makes me shudder to think of it. Either way, my banana guzzling days are at an end. Confined to the past along with red lemonade, fried bread and indeed white bread in general. Next they’ll be telling us that Easter eggs are not a recommended source of calcium!
Aodhán Ó Ríordáin is a primary school teacher in the Sheriff Street area of Dublin, a member of the Labour Party, and is currently Dublin’s Deputy Lord Mayor. His column appears every week in Metro Eireann
