I resisted getting a credit card for a long time – until a few months ago, in fact. I didn’t really need one, as I would have friends book flights for me online whenever necessary. But now Ryanair have put an end to my fiscal simplicity.
Ryanair are masters of the art of stealth charging. You are even charged at the airport for the privilege of booking your flight online! But there I was anyway, queuing up to pay the €5 credit card fee after checking in for my flight from Paris to Dublin. Thirty minutes in line and I finally reached the airline counter.
“Bonjour monsieur,” said the pretty lady behind the desk. “Bonjour madame,” I replied, reluctantly handing her a €5 note. But she stopped me in my tracks: “Sorry, we don’t accept notes, you’ll have to pay with your credit card.”
“I’m sorry madam, I do not have a credit card but I am prepared to pay you with this real money,” I retorted, trying to keep my growing frustration in check.
“I’m sorry,” she responded, “but you will have to call a friend and ask them to pay for you as we cannot accept cash.” That was when I lost it. “What? This is crazy! You do not accept real money! What is this, a scene from a Kafka novel? You want me to pay you again for the privilege of paying you invisible money, now I give you real money and you say I cannot board my flight to Dublin unless I pay you more invisible money!”
By this stage I realised I had declared war, but I wasn’t prepared to surrender. Meanwhile, airport security were beginning to take an interest in this lone protester. “I’m sorry monsieur,” said the lady behind the counter coldly, “but I cannot change the system.”
Once she mentioned the word ‘system’ I set off with all guns blazing. “Change the system, you say? F*** the system!”
The four-letter word is the last resort of the broken man. But I wasn’t finished. “And f*** Ryanair and its f***ing capitalist thuggery, its digital fascism. I’m sick and tired of being treated like cog in the machine. F*** the whole lot of you, you despicable scum!” I should point out to you, dear reader, that I said this in French, so it may have sounded less offensive to your ears.
By this stage other French customers in the queue behind me began to join in, and for a moment I thought it could be a new storming of the Bastille or a Rosa Parks moment. Not quite, I’m afraid. But they did kindly pay the miserable €5 for me and I went on to board my flight.
A few months later, I came back to the same Ryanair counter and met the same lady. This time I decided to take a leaf from President Roosevelt’s book – specifically that in negotiation, you should speak softly but carry a big stick. My big stick was the threat of another vituperative onslaught.
From our initial eye contact I could tell she recognised me. The cashier could probably detect the verbal arsenal behind the clenched teeth of my fake smile. I spoke softly, looked her straight in the eye and whispered: “Madam I do not have a credit card.” Then, as if for the sake of world peace, she took out her own card and paid for my flight herself. I gave her my €5, thanked her profusely and quietly departed.
You might think I was a bit extreme in calling Ryanair fascists, but aren’t they the airline that taxes fat people and wants to make us pay to use the toilet? Kafka once said: “In the fight between you and the world, back the world.” I surrendered and now back the banking world by paying them for the privilege of taking my invisible money.
metrogael.blogspot.com / gaelmetro@yahoo.ie
