MARTIAL ARTS… for the uninitiated

When I started this column, with a visit to ASKO Karate in Blackrock, I thought I might be able to drag about two months out of it before running out of martial art styles to cover. Seven months and 20-odd columns later, I still had plenty more I could have written about, and it was only the fact that I’m heading off this week to Thailand to work, drink and train (in that order) which forced the project to a conclusion.

When I originally pitched the idea of trying out fight styles from around the world and then writing about them, I was basically asking the powers-that-be to pay me to spend time doing something practically every martial artist I’ve run into during the series would have given their right arm to do. The gods were obviously smiling on me that day, and despite the fact that the oddness of the concept might have triggered eyebrows to arch upwards at other publications, I was given the go-ahead by the Metro Eireann hierarchy.

As the column kicked off, it was primarily designed to inform our readership about the various martial arts I profiled, but the emphasis changed over time and the main goal ended up being to entertain general readers. Extensive details of the history of particular martial arts and exhaustive accounts of the training drills taking place in classes were trimmed back in favour of either telling interesting stories related to the subject form, or having a laugh at some of the strange things martial artists get up to as part of their training.

The formula seemed to work, and there was a lot of positive feedback from readers. It was so popular, in fact, that I’ve managed to convince myself that the idea was ‘inspiration’ for the makers of the History Channel series Human Weapon. This programme, which began airing a few months back, follows a near-identical formula, with two martial arts enthusiasts trying out a fighting style from a different part of the world for each episode! Even better, they managed to convince whoever was bankrolling their project that it was vital for them to travel to the country of origin for each martial art they tried. It’s probably just a coincidence...

But aside from that, on the whole this idea of mine has been an extremely interesting and worthwhile experience. I’ve been flattened by a garda in Brazilian jiu jitsu training and played basketball in my bare feet with a gang of kids from a karate class. I went up against pro wrestlers with bizarre barnets and bested half of them, only to be quickly put in my place by the class’s only girl. I sat open-mouthed as young gakta enthusiasts flailed at each other with swords and shields before mooching a free curry and legging it. I got into a Fight Club-style punch up with an overly aggressive kickboxer with a Napoleon complex and played chasing in the woods on a Sunday afternoon with a group of grown men who had convinced themselves they were ninjas. I staggered out of the Hercules wrestling gym battered, bruised and covered in sweat, and found myself being envious of the fact that I was the only bloke in silat class without a skirt. I shook imaginary blood from a wooden sword before carefully returning it to an imaginary scabbard, and battled to fend off Polish krav maga fighters, five at a time. I struggled to stop myself from fleeing the capoeira hall when I realised I was in a glorified dance-off, and nearly burst with frustration when being nit-picked in taekwondo class. I knelt down to meditate with the elders of hapkido and got accused of being an advertising salesman by the head of the Irish Aikido Federation. I’ve even managed to perfect my execution of a forward roll, and been put through my paces by a legendary Cuban exile.

And after hundreds of hours of research, interviews, training and typing, I can say that there’s probably very few (if any) people in Ireland who have tried as many different martial arts as I’ve been given the chance to. It’s an interesting point to be able to raise, but overall I think the variety has done little to improve my ability as a fighter. With martial arts it’s very much a case of ‘Jack of all trades, master of none’, especially when you only go along to each class once.

Martial arts have a reputation as being dangerous, and in some ways they are, but the hazards that do exist tend to be blown out of proportion.

Proof of that fact is that I went the entire series without picking up a single injury. But enjoyable as it all was, to be honest, after being ‘the new lad’ in class nearly every week for seven months, I’m in some ways happy it’s come to an end. Anyone who has ever dragged themselves along to try out a new sport or to join a new club knows what it’s like, and I can say now that it isn’t something I’ve ever come to relish.

For those of you choking back the tears over the news that Martial Arts for the Uninitiated is no more, there is a light at the end of the tunnel – I’ll be continuing on with a column from Thailand, with a general interest theme in some ways but mostly about how I get on as a migrant.

In conclusion, thanks to everyone who let me into their classes; there was something about every one of them that I enjoyed. Except Iaido. That was just silly.