ROBERTO A SAMSON, a Filipino-Italian living in Ireland, on how family unity between the generations requires balance and understanding
‘Culchie’ is a mildly derogatory slang term used in Ireland for people living in the rural areas or the countryside. But when one is tired and needs a rest surrounded by nature, I’m one of those people who doesn’t mind being a culchie. So there I was, a culchie for the weekend, enjoying my recent break in Ballyjamesduff, Co Cavan, with some friends when, during a party after some drinks, a mature couple began to share something very personal of their lives.
“After 13 years of marriage and with three children, we have parents who still insist that we have to follow their suggestions on budget, education, and how to spend our money,” they said. “This often creates some tension between us. Is it better to keep silent with them or to try and clarify matters?”
I pointed out that suggestions by other people are always useful. They open up new perspectives, or even help us with a new approach to problems, or make us reflect on aspects hitherto ignored, as we are enriched by the experiences of other people who, if they want what is good for us, truly care about our needs. Nevertheless, after gratefully welcoming these suggestions and after serious evaluation, as adults we are always free to make our own responsible choices.
A strong bonding and unity in the family is always an asset when faced with trials and difficulties, but sometimes the system can also run you over. The complexity and originality of this community composed by parents and children requires a delicate balance between strong values shared by everyone and solutions to problems, which should be practical, creative and personalised.
These values take root and should grow in the personal dialogue between parents and their children. They are nourished by mutual trust, and by concrete and at times painful experiences. The values are then refined by the wisdom to ask for and offer correction and pardon at the right moment, and with the proper words.
These kind of dynamics also welcome many people who belong to the larger family: relatives, friends, colleagues at work or classmates. They can certainly cross the threshold of our home and our hearts, bringing with them their contribution of humanity, knowledge, and competence.
During my conversation with the couple, I remembered another couple in a situation similar to theirs, and I felt I simply had to share their experience, in essence if not in detail.
“After 13 years of marriage and with three children, we have parents who still insist that we have to follow their suggestions on budget, education, and how to spend our money,” they said. “This often creates some tension between us. Is it better to keep silent with them or to try and clarify matters?”
I pointed out that suggestions by other people are always useful. They open up new perspectives, or even help us with a new approach to problems, or make us reflect on aspects hitherto ignored, as we are enriched by the experiences of other people who, if they want what is good for us, truly care about our needs. Nevertheless, after gratefully welcoming these suggestions and after serious evaluation, as adults we are always free to make our own responsible choices.
A strong bonding and unity in the family is always an asset when faced with trials and difficulties, but sometimes the system can also run you over. The complexity and originality of this community composed by parents and children requires a delicate balance between strong values shared by everyone and solutions to problems, which should be practical, creative and personalised.
These values take root and should grow in the personal dialogue between parents and their children. They are nourished by mutual trust, and by concrete and at times painful experiences. The values are then refined by the wisdom to ask for and offer correction and pardon at the right moment, and with the proper words.
These kind of dynamics also welcome many people who belong to the larger family: relatives, friends, colleagues at work or classmates. They can certainly cross the threshold of our home and our hearts, bringing with them their contribution of humanity, knowledge, and competence.
During my conversation with the couple, I remembered another couple in a situation similar to theirs, and I felt I simply had to share their experience, in essence if not in detail.
“We understood that the grandparents’ love and affection were extremely important for our children,” I remembered the couple explain to me. “The kids needed their grandparents’ presence, also to help them discover the roots of their own identity. We have always tried to appreciate this richness, but at the same time we are aware that only the two of us can make decisions regarding our family, with the possibility that we may momentarily upset someone or hurt their sensibility.
“Besides, Irish culture tells us always to respect other’s freedom and privacy. But we felt that when there’s too much ‘human respect’, the truth never comes out. Relationships become just something diplomatic and love seemed to be a faraway reality.
“So many times, following a misunderstanding, we have tried to take every chance to rebuild our relationship with their grandparents. For example, we carefully prepared for the 80th birthday of the grandfather, who was particularly ‘present’ in our lives, opening up the house to relatives whom we were not in touch with for a long time.”
The witness of strong bonding and unity between husband and wife, particularly when tough choices have to be made, could give a sign of hope to everybody, and could be the foundation for an ever-deeper communion for the whole family. Besides, that’s what family matters are: everyone matters.
“Besides, Irish culture tells us always to respect other’s freedom and privacy. But we felt that when there’s too much ‘human respect’, the truth never comes out. Relationships become just something diplomatic and love seemed to be a faraway reality.
“So many times, following a misunderstanding, we have tried to take every chance to rebuild our relationship with their grandparents. For example, we carefully prepared for the 80th birthday of the grandfather, who was particularly ‘present’ in our lives, opening up the house to relatives whom we were not in touch with for a long time.”
The witness of strong bonding and unity between husband and wife, particularly when tough choices have to be made, could give a sign of hope to everybody, and could be the foundation for an ever-deeper communion for the whole family. Besides, that’s what family matters are: everyone matters.
