Grace Baba-LolaMissions Aid Network24 Balruddery GroveBalrothery, Co DublinTel: 086 034 4334 / 086 353 2487
A successful home, in general terms, is a home where God’s original plan is kept, where the husband and the wife are one both in flesh and purpose. More specifically, it’s a home where the husband is not a ruler but a leader, a loving and empathetic husband and father, always putting his wife’s interests before his own. It is where the wife fears the Lord, is not rights-driven but love-driven, and is a great mother to her husband and children.
In a nutshell, it is where the husband is present, has a large heart and is duly honoured by the wife; where the wife is secure, queenly, and protective of her home; and where father and mother are united and speak with one voice to groom the children to love God and be relevant to society.
On the surface this suggests that a successful home is a myth in modern society. For example, recent statistics from the United States show that divorce is highest among Evangelical Christians. In fact, there are endless forces acting against the marriage institution today, from the intrusion of laws into the privacy of our homes, to patterns of modern living that are wholly anti-family and even promote adultery.
The stress of western living had also led to the increase of male infertility, the growing social acceptance of pornography and the resultant moral decadence that is splitting families apart. Of course there is no excuse for sexual immorality for a Christian, but not all men are men and not all Christians are Christian.
The increasingly multicultural society is too having an effect. A common source of family failure among Africans in the western diasporas is due to many African wives becoming westernised both in thought and conduct, thereby wielding rights at home and rejecting the African culture of submission and tolerance when their men are not yet ready.
Lastly, perhaps the worst ill effect has come to marriage from the wide acceptability of atheism, which describing religion as ‘the opium of the people’. It has been very effective nonetheless, particularly in removing the fear of the Creator from society. What would restrict a young man or woman from sin more than the fear of God?
Considering all of this, how can we have a strong, joyous and united home? The good news is that millions of homes are still united, healthy and strong. The solution again is thankfully simple, and the main problem with marriage today is fundamental.
Surely, the marriage institution is collapsing today partly because people are reacting to long-time abuses, such as the subjugation of women. But the bigger error is in correcting such abuses that are mere symptoms without treating the real disease that is the misconception of the marriage institution.
Fundamentally, idea of marriage today is vastly different from God’s original plan. Genesis 2: 24 gave us God’s definition of marriage, which is to leave one’s parent to cleave with one’s spouse, resulting in becoming one flesh together. That instantly takes out that third party, selfishness and disunity, from the home.
Secondly, in Genesis 2:18 we have God’s essence for marriage: the woman being a suitable helper to her husband, being intrinsically equal and in no way inferior to her husband, making her his life good and worth living. Ditto for the husband, of course. Therefore the essence of marriage is not to take but to contribute.
In his book Divorce & Remarriage, my husband Rev Emmanuel Baba-Lola writes: “Most couples go into marriage today with expectations the institution is not designed to supply. Folks go into marriage to receive something, whereas the Lord founded it as a giving institution.”
Note that Eve was a suitable helper, a contributor, a provider, and a solution to Adam’s problems. Her essence was to give, not take. The husband has one purpose in the marriage union: to help the wife. And the wife has no different mission to her husband other than to be his constant help.
Marriage, therefore, is not about what you want or what you can receive, but all about what you have and can contribute. Marriage is not where to go because you are in need; it is where to go because you can bless somebody. Marriage will hardly give you what you don’t have. It only multiplies what you bring into it. People go into the union to find love, peace, satisfaction, joy and so on, but never find it there. The Lord is our source, not marriage.
The principal purpose of marriage, in other words, is service to your spouse. Every other purpose is secondary. The only way to have a happy home is to serve.
